"Make Sure your Brother Gets in the Building"

When Chase was a little over a year old my husband and I discovered that I was pregnant. It was not planned, in fact it was far from planned. We had just bought a house, Charles had just lost his job, and I was working two jobs while he stayed home with Chase. This seemed the smartest thing to do because I could make twice as much working PRN at another hospital every other weekend than he could working full time. It worked out really well.
But a baby was not what we thought we needed at all. I was in denial for a while. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant or go to the OB until I was over 4 months along. Don't get me wrong, I told the doctor about the pregnancy because I worked with him but I never actually attended an appointment till late in the pregnancy. We didn't find out the gender because I was sure the baby was a boy.

9 months later: One night while I was working I felt a little pressure and got a friend in L&D to check me out. I was dilated 4cm. The only problem was that it was 3 in the morning and my relief didn't show up till 7am. I wasn't hurting so I stuck it out till 7am. I clocked out and walked over to L&D to have a baby. It was the perfect delivery because I got an epidural before any pain kicked in. I delivered Macey at 11 that morning and I'll be darned if she wasn't a girl. What?! I had no girl things. She was beautiful but she was a little mean. She yelled at me... a lot. Macey wanted to breastfeed ALL the time.

Around the middle of the night that night, she was crying and I was crying. My fellow professional coworkers decided I was nuts and confiscated my child. They took her back to the nursery and fed her a bottle because we all realized that I had not slept in 30 hours and I had just delivered a baby. I was entitled to be a little crazy.

It took a day or two for us to bond but we did. She is mine and I am hers. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

A few months after her birth Chase was diagnosed with Autism. The genetics doctor informed us that had Macey been a boy, she would have had a 1 in 3 chance of being diagnosed herself.  She was a girl, so her chances were only 1 in 7. She turned out fine.
Lately I have been feeling tremendous guilt for Macey's future. It is becoming more and more obvious to us that Chase is going to need some kind of assistance his entire life. He is doing really well but I don't see the potential for him to be a fully independent adult. I may be wrong, he may make tremendous strides in the next few years but I am not seeing it.
Chase and Macey are 23 months apart and I find myself asking her to do things for Chase. For example, this year we decided that Chase was able to go through the morning drop-off lane at his school. This means I pull up to the school, the car door is opened by a faculty member, and he walks into the school and into class by himself. Chase has done wonderful with this but I still find myself telling Macey to hold her brother's hand and "Make sure your brother gets in the building."

That is a lot to ask a child. How far do we push her in taking care of her brother? At what point do we stop asking her and hope she just continues to care for him on her own? What happens when they both get into highschool? Will she take up for him? Will she still hold his hand? How do you instill a sense of family obligation into a teenager? I know I am borrowing worries from tomorrow but this has really been on my mind a lot lately.  My husband and I won't be around forever. I hope Macey will be there for Chase when we aren't but that is really up to her. I don't want her to feel burdened or overwhelmed.
The only thing I can do with these worries is tell myself to "Let go and let God." I say this to myself and it brings some peace. Macey may have been unexpected but she is a God send. She is a beautiful child that is full of imagination and enthusiasm for life. Everyone is her friend and I know in my heart she will be there for Chase. We just have to show her love and know in return she will love.

Deuteronomy 31: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave or forsake you."