I Am Not "That" Mom

Reading Fairs. Three years ago Macey came home with a sheet of paper that said that she could do a story board for a reading fair at her school. By the time I had finished reading the rules and requirements I was very excited. It required reading a book and putting together a tri-fold board with all the elements of the story. It even said to use your imagination! What?! We could do this! This is every scrapbookers dream. I could whip out my cricut and use my fancy paper. This would be so much fun. Macey loves to draw and could draw the pictures from the story. She could write out the words and wear a costume. All of this made me positively giddy. I think I even giggled a little when I read the paper.
We decided to do a great book by Mo Willems called "Don't let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!". Macey loves this book. It is quite hilarious.

Macey and I had a blast putting it together. Here is what we came up with.

Macey won third place at her school. Here is Macey calling her Daddy at work to tell him all about it.

Winning at the school meant we were able to go the District Reading Fair. Woohoo! Macey gets to ride a bus, pack a sack lunch, miss a day of school, and spend the whole day in the city auditorium! I was ecstatic because get this....I could go too!

Finally they announced the awards. My Macey won first place!!!!

This meant she could go to Regional Reading Fair. So off we go to Regional Reading Fair at Delta State. I took off work and brought the whole family. Exciting stuff. Here is Macey dressed as the bus driver in the book.

Macey didn't win here but that was okay. The long trip and all that waiting around was fun at first but I didn't want to do it again.

So the next year came around and we decided to do another Mo Willems book, "Don't Let the Pigeon Stay up Late!". They are so funny.

Here is how our board turned out.

Macey won second place at her school and then second place at District. She was so excited to walk up there and get her ribbon. 

So, this year rolled around and we chose another Mo Willem's book called "The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog!".

Here is our board.

Macey won first place at her school. Last Wednesday, we went to District Fair in the auditorium. That morning I tell her that she can't expect to win all the time and please don't be too upset if she doesn't. I could tell Macey wasn't listening because she asked me two seconds later, "When are they going to tell me I won and give me my ribbon?". Good grief. Turns out she didn't win. Macey didn't even get an honorable mention ribbon. She was sad at first but she got over it quickly. It broke my heart when she asked what she had done wrong. I considered the whole thing a lesson in humility. The chick can't win all the time, and she has got to learn this at some point. She did get a fifth place ribbon for presenting her classroom board, "Julius".

Chase was able to come with a classmate and present their class board with his teacher. They won fourth place!

Last year Chase won fourth place for a classroom board too! It was the same scenario, he went with his teacher's aide and a classmate. This was their board.

 It was nice that Chase and Macey were able to stand up on stage together with their ribbons for their classroom boards.

Now if you are still with me, here is where the tricky part came in. Macey didn't win for her Pigeon board and something bothered me. I was watching her while she was waiting to be judged and she was playing with the little boy next to her. At one point, they were playing with the little slips of paper that were placed in front of their boards. I had no idea what these papers were for but they were swapping them around, dropping them, picking them up and sword fighting with them.

Pay attention here, this little boy won 1st place. So......this nagging feeling came on and I couldn't shake it. What role did these little slips of paper play in the judging process? What if his paper was in front of hers and hers in front of his? Don't get me wrong, this little boy had a nice board. He could have easily won but what if...?

I didn't know what to do. I could be like that crazy mom who yells at the referee on the baseball field or act like a defeated politician who demands a recount.

 

After consulting with some well-balanced and level-headed friends, I decided just to ask. So I did. It turns out the little slips of paper were not that important. They just marked what division the child was in. So looking back, I am glad I didn't act crazy and demand a recount. I am glad I asked because that would have bugged me for life. Macey didn't win this year and that is fine. She needed to learn that little lesson about life.

There is always next year! She wants to do this book.

So we will be back next year. Maybe... if we win. If we don't win, that is fine too. 

"Make Sure your Brother Gets in the Building"

When Chase was a little over a year old my husband and I discovered that I was pregnant. It was not planned, in fact it was far from planned. We had just bought a house, Charles had just lost his job, and I was working two jobs while he stayed home with Chase. This seemed the smartest thing to do because I could make twice as much working PRN at another hospital every other weekend than he could working full time. It worked out really well.
But a baby was not what we thought we needed at all. I was in denial for a while. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant or go to the OB until I was over 4 months along. Don't get me wrong, I told the doctor about the pregnancy because I worked with him but I never actually attended an appointment till late in the pregnancy. We didn't find out the gender because I was sure the baby was a boy.

9 months later: One night while I was working I felt a little pressure and got a friend in L&D to check me out. I was dilated 4cm. The only problem was that it was 3 in the morning and my relief didn't show up till 7am. I wasn't hurting so I stuck it out till 7am. I clocked out and walked over to L&D to have a baby. It was the perfect delivery because I got an epidural before any pain kicked in. I delivered Macey at 11 that morning and I'll be darned if she wasn't a girl. What?! I had no girl things. She was beautiful but she was a little mean. She yelled at me... a lot. Macey wanted to breastfeed ALL the time.

Around the middle of the night that night, she was crying and I was crying. My fellow professional coworkers decided I was nuts and confiscated my child. They took her back to the nursery and fed her a bottle because we all realized that I had not slept in 30 hours and I had just delivered a baby. I was entitled to be a little crazy.

It took a day or two for us to bond but we did. She is mine and I am hers. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

A few months after her birth Chase was diagnosed with Autism. The genetics doctor informed us that had Macey been a boy, she would have had a 1 in 3 chance of being diagnosed herself.  She was a girl, so her chances were only 1 in 7. She turned out fine.
Lately I have been feeling tremendous guilt for Macey's future. It is becoming more and more obvious to us that Chase is going to need some kind of assistance his entire life. He is doing really well but I don't see the potential for him to be a fully independent adult. I may be wrong, he may make tremendous strides in the next few years but I am not seeing it.
Chase and Macey are 23 months apart and I find myself asking her to do things for Chase. For example, this year we decided that Chase was able to go through the morning drop-off lane at his school. This means I pull up to the school, the car door is opened by a faculty member, and he walks into the school and into class by himself. Chase has done wonderful with this but I still find myself telling Macey to hold her brother's hand and "Make sure your brother gets in the building."

That is a lot to ask a child. How far do we push her in taking care of her brother? At what point do we stop asking her and hope she just continues to care for him on her own? What happens when they both get into highschool? Will she take up for him? Will she still hold his hand? How do you instill a sense of family obligation into a teenager? I know I am borrowing worries from tomorrow but this has really been on my mind a lot lately.  My husband and I won't be around forever. I hope Macey will be there for Chase when we aren't but that is really up to her. I don't want her to feel burdened or overwhelmed.
The only thing I can do with these worries is tell myself to "Let go and let God." I say this to myself and it brings some peace. Macey may have been unexpected but she is a God send. She is a beautiful child that is full of imagination and enthusiasm for life. Everyone is her friend and I know in my heart she will be there for Chase. We just have to show her love and know in return she will love.

Deuteronomy 31: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave or forsake you."

My New Year's Resolutions are Boring Reruns

Every year I make the same resolutions and every year nothing changes. Number one on my list is to lose weight. I am sure this tops 99% of the American population's lists. I weigh EXACTLY the same as I did last year. No more, no less......exactly the same. I tried many things to correct this situation but I didn't try that hard for very long. As we all know, I am a bit lazy.

So I said to myself, "Self, what is your deal?!" Why is nothing motivating me? I am obviously overweight but I guess sometimes I just don't care. I have decided I need to figure out the underlying issues as to why I don't care. So I sat myself on my therapy-shrink couch in my head.

After much deliberation, this is what I have come up with.

1. I have no set time to myself. I have free time but no set aside time JUST FOR ME. I eat to reward myself. I need another reward system.  

2. I have never taken much pleasure out of name brand clothes or dresses, I just wear what fits. I am a nurse and I wear scrubs a lot. We all know scrubs can stretch very far so I am oblivious when I start to gain a little weight. The following picture is not me, I just thought it was hilarious.

3. I eat when I am bored, I eat when I am tired, I eat when other people eat, and I eat when there is something in front of me. It feels good and I love food. 

So I have decided to make up a whole new set of resolutions! The theme is loving myself.

1. Make one day a week all about me. On that day while the kids are in school, I will go nowhere and do nothing for anybody but me. On this day I will scrapbook, catch up on projects, take a nap, walk around the neighborhood, get my house in order, and just watch the DVR while I do laundry. The rest of the week I will full fill my obligations to work, family, and friends but Tuesday is MINE! If I tell you I can't do something on a Tuesday because I am terribly busy, I am probably just taking a nap.  

2. I will take better care of me! If I see cute clothes, I will get them because I can't tell you the last time I bought anything but underwear! I will put on make-up when I am going to see people. I will paint my toe nails. I will get my eyebrows waxed on a regular basis and ....... wait for it..... I will shave my legs above the knee.

3. I plan on fixing my third problem of eating whatever by..... eating. You heard me. I am going to eat a lot. I believe there is a war term for what I plan to do and it is called a pre-emptive strike. I plan to never reach the point of just looking for something to eat. I will wake up and eat a big bowl of some high fiber cereal (Cheerios or Honey-Bunches of Oat) with a banana. An apple for brunch. Then I will eat a huge salad or chicken salad for lunch. An orange for snack. Then I will eat a whole can of vegetables with my meat at night. I will tell myself, "You HAVE to eat this! I don't care that you aren't hungry. Eat it!" (I am talking to myself a lot in this blog). I will be so full of food that I won't even look sideways at a vending machine or any other junk food outlet.  

So that is my big plan. I have a few other resolutions such as being a better parent, wife, saving money, blah, blah, blah.... I will focus on all that later.